To The Ones who is Turning 29 in Leap Year, Here’s a Little Birthday
*I’m writing this before it vanishes into other thoughts*
Pretending that I’m 29 years old—it just days away after all. Older and wiser, they say. So, this 29-me is telling you stuff you might need to hear.
Yes, I know you never ready for birthdays ever since you hit 17. Yes, I know it always feel uncomfortable to step into new age but hey you are not alone. And yes, I know you don’t like to be compared and being told, “what’s the matter here, really? Everyone’s having it anyway!” No, I know you don’t compare yourself to anyone out there. This feeling is just a sacred feeling that you hesitate to share. A weird feeling strikes in whenever the date is near. And whenever you try to figure it out, it somehow hidden but always peeking somewhere, like an itchy feeling refuse for scratches. It’s something between hesitation, denial, dishonest, fear and sense of responsibility unto growing up. And you know when it comes—with any form, you need to be always ready to face it, alone like a trembled warrior manages to put aside all the disruptions. Those monsters inside your head; those angels beneath your heart… held a tireless war. Sometimes it is the most sacred thing you hold into, more than your religion, so you don’t want to share, because you want to find something on a par from afar.
But kiddo, you always feel free to be a kid, because you know that your curiosity will keep haunts you even you’re turning 67 now with wrinkles and white hair, it won’t stop, isn’t it? And you know when the so-called-responsibilities strike in, you have to act with a kind heart and a grown-up heart. But then I wonder, does heart even grow? I think it expands, it changes from moment to moment, and like your character, water… it just always flows and knows what to do, from time to time; moment to moment.
And kiddo, I think the mission when your age hits 29 now, you need to find equilibrium. I mean, seriously, equilibrium. It’s a mature word, mature noun. Sounds very different with your all-time favourites: adventure, discovery, curiosity… yes, you are free to keep them, but just add one drop of equilibrium since I know you’ll need it in your vast ocean of thoughts. Balance in everything you do, think and speak. I know it will be hard to do, but you never find something easy to do with life, you find something meaningful instead, and that’s the mentality.
Love, with your whole heart, even at the end it hurts like hell till you don’t feel anything but keep on giving. Love, again, with your whole heart even if it breaks your heart, because it will crack your heart open and then teach you something new, on having the mercy and courage to pull back the string and withdraw yourself without feeling wasted and instead glorious like triumph. Sometimes love really does hurt and lay beyond your expectation. But when things go north, worry not, try to slow your pace and don’t jump into conclusion, because yeah, wise man said only fools rush in, however, what’s meant to be will fall into place eventually. So chill, kiddo, you’ve done your best, you’ve done your part, considering that you can’t forecast (you’re not a shaman anyway), all you can do is chill and let go. Once again, you-just-let-go, kay? Now lose some grips, please.
And getting here, you’ll be as blunt as hell about what-is-your-type because you’ll see as clear as hell that you’re able to spot everyone’s charm by spending more time together; by holding deep conversations a little bit longer. I read that dating in late 20’s is hard because everyone is carrying their own emotional baggage, but on the bright side, I think there are bunches of people who capable to sort it away. I believe that we’re all striving to be the best version of ourselves, only that we need significant others to be our reminder. You take care of yourself as I take care of mine because we’re walking on our own path but we do walk together. So, have faith, people.
Then about job. Occupation. Position. Of course, it is important to give your best on everything you do, but keep in mind that it’s people. People, darling. It’s people who run the company, sometimes people are scary and unexpected; sometimes people are lovely and inexperienced, so you always know that you go wrong when you have expectations. Yet sometimes, showing your teeth means you really care about your improvement and development, and you need to keep doing that. Raise your hand, ask for the opportunities, take that goddamn chances and still, the right career path is whatever that makes you grow. Which direction you have to head to? Uh oh, nobody can point out precisely, but just go, just move—you are not a tree—and feel it with your heart for what is directionally right. Save time, I mean it, really, save time to do what you like to do, because your passion never betrays you. And as for writing, it never lies, it always works for therapy, to push you to be honest with yourself, and I feel really… really grateful to have this ability. Hone your skills or else it will slowly disappear, like an old friend who lose contact. And to warm up the machine after long abandoned, needs time and patience. But, to be reunited with an old friend always felt great, isn’t it? And warm, like being hold in the right arm.
For family, don’t take it for granted. Make them happy, make them content, make them happy… You don’t know how much time left to do it, oh how I hate to write this, but just do your best, kay? Knowing that your parents’ concerns now will be tend to not-making-any-sense, but you should never blame their POVs. Just, do your best with your kind heart, and keep your brain as clear as hell. Time to repay, time to translate your thankfulness into something they long to experience. Time to take care and give your best.
Back again, equilibrium. It might be the hardest part to do but you need to start fast. To own without owning. And to do everything wholeheartedly, not afraid of being hurt or upset. It will break you apart, it will crash you into pieces, but if you do it without putting your everything, you know you’re not there. You know you earn nothing. And who are we to measure those things? Your compass is in your heart: compassion. And equilibrium is something that hold it, you might be careful so that it won’t slide away easily, washed by flood of emotional decisions or reactions. And something is very interesting about equilibrium, you can’t really find what is balance. Sometimes when you’re lucky enough, you’ll spot it, right in that precise location and moment, and then it moves. I guess that’s what makes this journey interesting. That’s the beauty of life. Collect, enjoy and absorb moment by moment, simply because they’re priceless and grows you. And sometimes, even if it felt weird, it’s okay to outgrown, you’ll get used to it.
Happy birthday, dear. Take care of your heart and your body as they’re your truest buddy, don’t take ‘em for granted. *taking a deep breath while saying ‘Thank you’ to myself.*
01:22, Dec 27, 2019
What’s make the writing challenging is, when your head is loaded with so much words you have no idea of how to manage them on which ones to burst first.
22:50 Jan 21, 2020
Editing this piece with Banda Neira’s songs played peacefully, a content heart, not so raging anymore, maybe somehow equilibrium is resting nicely here in a tip of nose.