December and People Who Wander in My Lost Mind

December is always scary, scarier when it hits almost-the-end. Forget the gifts, colours and festive vibes that spread everywhere, there’s a tiny part of me that wants to hide and hibernate. December is horrible, it’s cold and impatient, it runs too fast without any chance to cast any spells. Once on my way back from work, I saw middle aged woman—a tissue seller you often see wander in the streets. Her action leads me into another finding. That very late night, she puts a pack of tissue into a random pick-up truck. A swift movement that lingers long, drives me into multiple scenarios and my mind, that night, refused to rest.

People are unexpected and will always be. The reality likewise. I feel like I’m fooling myself all these time, since I tend to intentionally buy tissues in the street, hoping this will ease the seller’s life somehow, but the finding hits me hard, knowing that they are actually fine, even if you don’t ‘help’ them. How many ‘kind actions’ have I did with this motivation? It doesn’t even kind to do things with certain expectancy and story. It just doesn’t feel right.

And then, this drives to further contemplation and findings that…

People who make your heart felt pity and make you buy tissues—3 packs for 10k rupiahs— maybe don’t need your money that much, they just want to fulfil their KPI.

People who make your heart skip a beat, maybe will skip in your life and gone astray, and that’s okay.

People who chatted with you for years, maybe don’t really have ears for you nor even hearts, they just want to kill time as much as you want.

People who you prioritise on top of everything, maybe just squeeze you in their schedule as a bridge before hitting another appointment.

People who buy you drink maybe just being hesitant and want to be your friend by some distance.

People who are there for you on your sleepless night or on your lowest point, maybe just found you are similar with them and happy to be connected.

People who are not-so-polite on pointing on your mistakes, maybe just can’t deal with themselves either.

While we wander in this concrete jungle, there are countless possibilities for mere concrete answers; there are just paths crossing…

Maybe all we need here is a wide-open heart; like a concert hall, soccer field, oceans and skies. Sincere and decent enough to let anything come and go unchained. To just let thing happens, will you? And with a handful of courage to start whisper, “2020, bring it on.”

2019.12.21

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